Where were we?

Somehow the summer just slipped away….

Well, actually, I know where some of it went. My main part time job made some major computer changes that didn’t go as planned (yes, I hear those of you who work with computers laughing hysterically), and then I had some chances to do some extra work at my seasonal job — good extra work, like creating a tour of the servants’ areas of one house — and at the same time I was trying to get some writing done (a couple of short stories, and outlines for two novels) — and the next thing I knew it was October. The end of October.

Time to put the air conditioners away, and the storm windows down. Time to get out the winter clothes. Time to finish the sweaters I’ve been working on because it’s getting pretty cold in the mornings when I walk the dog, and it isn’t really all that warm when I go to work. Time to start thinking about the holidays....

OK, maybe that last is going a little too far, but then again, maybe not. I do need the time to think about what I want to do this year. Last year, I didn’t do much of anything, and that was good, or at least the right thing for me at that moment. This year, I need to make those decisions all over again.

That sounds as though I’m dreading it, which isn’t exactly right. There are some things I’m looking forward to, like planning another of our old open house/parties — though I think I’m going to move that to around New Year’s, partly to acknowledge that things have changed, and partly because there’s no way I can do a big party in December. But I want to have that get-together again, because it was fun to host, fun to prepare, and a good thing to move forward with. There are things I’m ambivalent about — whether or not to have a tree, for one. I’ve always enjoyed the bright lights; on the other hand, setting it up and taking it down by myself isn’t very appealing. Lisa loved Christmas the same way she loved birthdays, loved the excuse to celebrate, to decorate, to party. I enjoyed those things, too, but partly because it made her so happy. There are lots of options, and the main thing is that I have to decide what works for me.

And that requires time and a certain amount of energy. I have no obligations here at the house: no kids, no family pressure, no need to do anything except what I want. I haven’t had that much freedom in years, and it’s like any unused muscle, it’s taking me a while to get back into shape. So I figure if I start now, think about these things a little at a time, I’ll be ready to deal with the holidays — and with any bigger decisions that come along.

In the meantime, the leaves are turning. I drove to Manchester yesterday, and the color was spectacular, gold and scarlet and orange vivid against a bright blue sky. I came back in the dark, and the moon was rising, just past full, enormous and pale, pale orange, balanced on the horizon. It was beautiful, and it made me happy, and that was enough, to be in that moment. I’ll make decisions tomorrow.